Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
