can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
