So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
