I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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