My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
