Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
