i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
