Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
