I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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