so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
