I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
