just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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