We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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