if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
