It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
