2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
