i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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