Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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