Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
