She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
