God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
