Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
