i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
