Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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