I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Randomize
