I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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