i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize