I don't usually arrange sex via text message
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just forgot I was standing up.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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