i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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