Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
