I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
