Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize