8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize