Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
