I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
But break dance skills will only take you so far
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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