last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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