He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
