ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
