Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
