i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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