He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
