have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
