apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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