I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
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