Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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