call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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