When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
