hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
