He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
