I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
