I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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