I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
