God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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