Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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