Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
