I accidentally had phone sex last night
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
