Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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